Letting Go

This is our garage.

Yesterday morning it did not look like this. The garage sale fairy visited us yesterday afternoon and brought all of our goodies out of the attic. About 75% of this stuff is Matt's; baby clothes, toys, gear, and whatever else you need to raise a child.

I saved every single thing this kid had from birth to about 4 years old. Not to be sentimental but because I thought we would use it again. When we decided to get pregnant with Matt it was so easy that I thought it would just happen again. After three losses, God obviously has other plans.

Up until about 4 months ago I really fought Him about His plans. I desperately wanted another child. Poor Richard, I think half of our conversations revolved around growing our family. My life was an emotional roller coaster spent crying, praying, and getting angry about the fact we were unable to have any more children. I wanted answers and I wanted them now!

Well, I could only live like that for so long before I hit my breaking point. Unfortunately for Richard, that was when we started cleaning up the garage during Christmas break. I had set more of Matt's old clothes and toys into the garage to be taken up to the attic when Richard suggested the unthinkable: give it to the Goodwill.

You would of thought he said burn everything and stick needles in my eyes. In my mind I was thinking how dare he!! I am saving all of this stuff for our next child! Why would we give it away?? It took me a few minutes but I finally lost it. And by lost it, I mean LOST IT. I think I had about four years of hurt and frustrations bottled up inside that finally came spilling out. I cried and cried and cried. To keep a long story short, I cried, we talked, and finally came to some decisions.

We have decided to let go of trying to have another child. I can't explain it very well, but when we decided this, I felt an almost instant peace come over me. If my life and God's will were magnets, I feel like for the past few years, I have been pressing the wrong side towards him. Does that make any sense?? For the first time, I have truly given this part of my life to Him. I thought I had, but I realize I was just fooling myself.

This weekend I attended our church's ladies retreat (which I will post about later) and had one of "those" moments during worship. Friday night we sang "I Am Free". I can't tell you how many times I have heard this song on the radio but when I sang it Friday, I just about came out of my skin because I finally feel that way!

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you all hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
Yes, I am free

I AM FREE TO RUN
(I AM FREE TO RUN)
I AM FREE TO DANCE
(I AM FREE TO DANCE)
I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU
(I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU)
I AM FREE
(I AM FREE)
YES I AM FREE
(I AM FREE)

Through you the kingdom comes
Through you the battle's won
Through you I'm not afraid
Through you the price is paid
Through you there's victory
Because of you my heart sings
I am free
Yes, I am free

I love the line that says "through you the darkness flees, through you my heart screams, I am free, yes, I am free".

So with all that being said, I was able to go up into the attic yesterday and drag down ALL of Matt's baby stuff without having a nervous breakdown. It's embarrassing how much stuff we have. In a few minutes I will go out to the garage and begin the long process of sorting. Don't worry, I will keep some things. Hopefully just one box as opposed to 7 or 8.

The really great thing is all the money we make will go toward our trip back to Haiti this summer. I can't think of a better reason why to sell all this stuff.