The Final Chapter

Just so you know, this post is long, rambles, and I pretty much emotionally throw up on you.
I thought I should warn you

I decided it's about time that I get back to my blogging life. Honestly, my mom will not quit pestering me, so in order to get her off my back (I love you mom) I gave in. I'm sure this isn't the post she had in mind but it will have to do (love you again mom).


After a few chaotic weeks, things are finally starting to settle down and life is pretty much back to normal. Well, as normal as normal can be. Even though most of you know everything that has happened, I feel like I need to write about it anyways. I think it is kind of like therapy or something of that nature.

Two days after I got the news about the baby I began hemorrhaging. We went to the ER and of course, they looked at me like I was overreacting and didn't know what I was talking about. I kept telling the nurses I know that I am having a miscarriage, I have had two others, but this did not happen before. Of course I got the "Oh honey, it looks worse than what it really is" response. Finally, after Richard had a fit, the Dr. examined me and his response was, get this, "Oh, poor girl, you are bleeding".

REALLY!!! Do you think I would make this up!?!

Another great response I got from a nurse was "The baby probably wont make it."

Uh...duh. After two ultrasounds of not seeing a heartbeat, my doctor telling me a miscarriage was going to happen, and now that I am bleeding all over the ER, I would NEVER HAVE GUESSED THAT!

I totally get that people who work in the ER are of a different breed. You would have to be in order to work in that environment . But still, can't we try a little harder.

After spending about 5 hours in the ER, they finally decided to move me upstairs and have me stay overnight. Let me stop right here and say that I had wonderful nurses upstairs. They were kind, considerate, and compassionate and I thank God for these women.

The bleeding finally slowed down and I was allowed to go home the next day. Praise God, they did not have to do any kind of invasive procedure or transfusion. I was terrified one of these would be needed.

When I left the hospital on Monday I think my blood count was somewhere between an 8 and 9. A normal person's blood is anywhere between a 12 and 15. I don't know if you have ever experienced rapid blood loss but it is not fun. For about a week my head throbbed, every time I got up the room would spin, I had shortness of breath and could not do anything because I would tire out too quick. It was horrible. Because of the traumatic events, the actual realization that a miscarriage had occurred did not even hit for about a week. The following Monday I think I cried all morning.

I have been back to the doctor for a check up and have had to get blood drawn once a week the past two weeks. My blood is still low, who knew it took this long to build back up and if you can believe it, the pregnancy hormone is still in my system. It doesn't mean that I am pregnant, it just takes a while to get out. I have to keep getting my blood checked until the hormone is below a 5. Isn't that a nice little bonus?

The loss of this baby has been pretty hard on us. We did tell Matt, thankfully before the hemorrhaging started, and he responded as a typical 4 year old. He got kind of upset and said "that's not fair, I want Cookie here!" and then ran off to play with some sticks. (We called the baby Cookie in case you are confused) But he will randomly ask why God decided to take the baby back to Heaven or he will tell people at odd time about how his mama's baby is an angel now. Obviously, it's been a lot harder on me and Richard. We truly believe that God has a plan and is in control but it's still difficult.

We are going to meet with a specialist soon and have some testing done. I'm not really sure what I want to hear. In one way, I want answers but when you get answers, that means something is wrong. If our problem is related to genetics, I don't think there is anything that we could do and who wants to hear that. On the other hand, I would like to be told we can't find anything wrong but then you are left still feeling confused. Does this make any sense?

Anyways, this post has been long. On a positive note, I would like to say that I have been absolutely blown away by the outpouring of love we have received the past weeks. The Lord is amazing. When I needed it, a friend called, food arrived, an encouraging card or email showed up, flowers brightened a sad day, or someone had the right words to share. In each of these things I was reminded that God was there with me, taking care of us, and loves us.